Demand feeding can create challenges for mum and baby.
If you’re a new mom, you might be wondering about the best way to feed your baby. One important aspect to consider is the difference between feeding your baby on demand and practicing mindful feeding. Learning to recognise and respond to your baby’s hunger cues is crucial, as it can help you differentiate between genuine hunger and signs of colic or reflux. In addition, incorporating mindful feeding practices can offer extra benefits for both you and your baby.
Feeding a baby on demand simply means feeding your baby when they demonstrate hunger signs.
Demand feeding is often associated with the advice- Feed when baby is hungry!
Many mums interpret this saying as:
Feed when baby is sucking!
Feed when baby is crying!
Feed when baby is rooting!
Feed when baby is poking out tongue!
Feed when baby is grizzly
The challenge when feeding baby on demand when these signs are present, is that these signs are not always hunger signs.
They are also signs for tiredness, discomfort and gas.
Babies who often demand feed, may also be at higher risk of being diagnosed with colic or reflux.
Demand feeding most often leads mums to second guessing themselves. Mums may be at higher risk of sleep deprivation, anxiety and depression.
They look hungry, showing all the signs of hunger but in fact, baby is fighting at the breast and pushing themselves away and they appear not interested.
This is why I like to call it ‘mindful feeding’
Mindful feeding takes into account your baby’s sleep and feeding routine, baby cues, your intuition and the temperament of your baby.
Example:
Your baby has had a good feed, been on for 20 min, sucking well and swallowing. You know their tummy is full. But they wake, they are rooting, sucking and still not relaxing.
You re-feed to see if they are still hungry. Because of the sucking reflex and rooting reflex, your baby is affectively having another feed or topping up. This becomes a cycle, soon to be challenging.
This is why feeding should always be a partnership. Not just one way.
Your baby doesn’t know how regulate their feeding but you can. Not this does not mean feeding on schedule.
You should always be responsive and flexible.
Is my baby tired or hungry?
Did you know that your baby’s cues for hunger, tiredness, pain and wind are exactly the same!
Would you like to learn more about what your baby is telling you?
Check out this tutorial to help learn more about your baby’s cues.
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Dream feeds- here are some simple tips.
Dream feeding isn’t for every baby but it’s worth a try to see if your baby will sleep for longer stretches during the night.
It can work for both breastfed and bottle fed babies.
Great way for babies who are mixed feeding, bottle fed so that dads or others can also help with feeding.
? Dream feds are generally around 10 pm and ideally 2.5 to 3 hours after the last feed.
They need to have an empty tummy to feed properly.
? Baby is still asleep or drowsy. Because babies especially newborns up to 8-12 weeks have involuntary sucking reflex. So with stimulation of the upper palate and tongue they will suck automatically.
? Keep burping to minimum or not at all.
?If nappy isn’t too wet and not dirty don’t change it.
?Back to bed as soon as you can.
Some babies do wake during this process and it may interfere with their sleep cycles so it’s a little trial and error.
Myth 1️⃣
It isn’t normal for babies to sleep through the night.
First of all this means my own babies and my clients babies are all abnormal?
Sleeping through the night isn’t really what it seems. Adults don’t sleep through night either. Sleep is cyclical and both babies and adults wake between their sleep cycles. It’s the ability to go back to sleep confidently allows uninterrupted sleep.
Myth2️⃣
Babies can’t self soothe. ?
Most of the time they don’t even get a chance to self soothe. With mittens, swaddles and lots of gadgets babies don’t have much space to develop early motor skills such as sucking on hands or fingers. There is more emphasis on food if they are sucking on their hands than the ability to self settle due to reflexes and development stages.
Myth 3️⃣
It is only short lived. ?
Often I hear that parents have attempted sleep training but due to growth spurts, illness , development and travel, they have given up. Reality is that any of these stages shouldn’t hinder a babies sleep long term. These stages are only short term and it’s up to the parents to continue with the knowledge they have to keep the confident sleep patterns going or return to them.
Myth4️⃣
There are reasons babies don’t sleep?
Yes there will be reasons why a baby isn’t sleeping and that is exactly why it’s a good idea to seek advice and support to see who can help. Sometimes it takes someone neutral to see what might needs to be changed.
Myth5️⃣
Society tells you?
Everyone has their opinions and that is ok. What does make me just a bit mad is that with mental health a very hot topic and sleep being a very big part of recovery. Sleep deprivation for a parents is normalised. Plus we shouldn’t be judging parenting styles.
Myth6️⃣
Sleep training means CIO ?
It certainly does not. Helping a baby to sleep more confidently can be very gentle and nurturing experience with some grizzling but certainly not distressed crying or leaving your baby without responding.
I never said it was easy but with individual guidance, support and follow up it certainly is very achievable?
Not all babies sleep well swaddled.
Not all babies like the patting and shushing as this can actually overstimulate them.
This is especially so for the love to dream swaddle.
Many new mum buy this type of swaddle/sleeping sac for their newborn babies.
For very newborn babies under the age of 2 weeks these swaddles can be great.
However as your baby grows stronger, becomes more aware of their environment and is starting to stretch and move around a little more. These swaddles can be more of a hinderance than a great sleep tool.
Babies love to stretch out their hands above their head just like us when we wake.
As you can see by the picture there isn’t much room for your baby to stretch and there is limited amount of movement especially when your baby is growing.
I find babies grow out of these suits very quickly.
Also when you are finding that when your baby wakes with very wet material around their hands, they are looking at sucking for self soothing which is best done by skin to skin contact. It’s at this time getting rid of the swaddle altogether and transferring your baby to a sleeping bag is your best option.
It may take a few days for your baby to get used to a little more freedom but they will thank you for it as they can find their fingers or thumbs to suck for self settling and also stretch and move without limitations.
If your baby is a dream sleeper in this type of swaddle then why change.
Just keep in mind that when they are changing their sleep patterns that it could be they are needing a change of sleep attire.
Like many other gadgets such as white noise, monitors and sleep props, it comes down to how and when we use them that will ultimately give you the benefits they provide.
Some babies need many tools to help them to settle or rest while others are fine with the bare minimum.
Mobiles are to some extent a sleep prop however it can also provide and reassurance and confidence. ?
All three of my children had mobiles above their cots.
As I settled them into their cot they loved watching the little figurines move around accompanied by a soft jingle like a nursery rhyme or lullaby.
When at home for naps and the first evening sleep the association of seeing their mobile allowed them the recognise that it was sleep time.
I would turn it on and they would follow attentively for a few minutes as the motion and the music would start to slow down.
If they were unsettled I would turn it back on BUT that would be the last time.
I made a point not to go back several times when they made a sound or cried. Using other methods to help them settle were implemented when needed.
Two to three times was the maximum.
This is the challenge with anything that can provide a prop for sleeping.
If I was to go back in, time and time again, then they would expect me to continue this scenario. ?♀️
It would not be beneficial for them nor myself or anyone else that would settle them.
Mobiles also provide security. ?♀️
When your baby sees the mobile above their bed in daylight hours as they settle they also see it as they wake.
This helps them with recognition and familiarization around sleep and their surroundings.
I would recommend if you decide to use a mobile it’s not best used for the sleep in the night-time.
Night time is for minimal sleep props as this will create more confidence with zero noise and darkness to help them sleep well in the future. ?
]]>Babies cry for all sorts of reasons – not only for hunger
They may cry due to
– Tiredness
– Pain
– Overstimulation
– Wind
– Boredom
First of all it’s very important that you recognise your baby’s needs and also familiarise yourself with your baby’s cues.
A baby’s cues for hunger, tiredness, pain and wind are all exactly the same.
Check out my video here for more info
Once you need to help your baby settle or resettle, it’s important to think what tools or actions you are using.
You can respond by action.
You can respond by sound.
OR
You can respond by observing.
Let’s look at a baby waking from their nap too early.
You hear your baby waking. They are noisy, grumpy, sucking on their hands, yep even newborns suck can be frantically looking for their hands.
Many mums will quickly run in and pick baby up without a second thought.
This is most likely due to what they have heard.
Never leave a baby that is crying!!
While you would never leave a baby to cry and especially when in distress.
Always respond to your baby when they are crying BUT it’s how you respond that is the key
So here is the reason why its best to keep in mind these words
Respond without Action
Instead
Observe! Observe! Observe!
Yep before you physically pick your baby up, I want you to observe first.
Peak around the corner by the door, don’t let yourself be seen especially if your baby is over 4-5 weeks. Older babies will recognise you very quickly and it will be harder to help them resettle.
The reason why I want you to observe first is because your baby may still be sleeping but transitioning from one sleep cycle to the next or just needs a little help to get get back to sleep. Resettling a baby that has already been picked up is unlikely to go back to sleep without intervention.
Babies have generally 2 sleep cycles.
These are REM and NON-REM both lasting between 20-30 mins.
REM– Rapid Eye Movement
Non REM – Non Rapid Eye Movement
Majority of babies, especially newborns, will cry when falling asleep or when transitioning from one sleep cycle to the next.
When they do this they are still asleep. Yes they will cry, make noise, suck on their hands and grizzle, all in their sleep.
When we hear our little ones wake or cry, we insticntly want to pick them up.
If they are transitioning and need help to resettle, we may have stopped them from being able to fall back to sleep.
The intervention has prevented your baby to resettle. The action was a physical action without observation.
If the action becomes consistent, it will become the norm.
Hence why a lot of babies become 30 min nappers.
So here is what I want you to do next time you hear your baby.
STOP – USE THIS ACRONYM
S – Stop or Pause
T – Think and take a deep breath ( how long has baby been asleep, could they they hungry, what time of day is it …..
O – Observe Observe Observe
P – Plan and Proceed (decide what action you are going to take)
When we respond without thought, we may not have the result we want.
Parenting isn’t a one way street. Go with what works for you and your baby.
A question I often hear with an accompanying sound of – Arg!!!
Is, Why don’t babies come with manuals?
Having manuals maybe easier for you to give you directions but having babies it simply just doesn’t work that way. Most of the time we are just rigging it and see what works. Learning through trial and error, guiding yourself with your intuition and making the best decisions that work for you is ultimately the better outcome.
As most of us know, becoming new parents to a newborn baby is wonderfully exciting, but also very daunting.
A lot of new parents may feel unprepared, anxious and overwhelmed.
Having worked with hundreds of babies and their parents over the past 20 years as a baby consultant. I have seen first hand how parents are affected by too little, too much or information that has no relevance. Pressures of ways to feed your baby, sleep your baby, what gadgets to use and other parenting guidelines and recommendations is best for your baby are all out there ready for you to pounce on.
Many books, magazine articles and now with the internet widely available to search any topic you may feel is going to give you the answer your looking for.The feeling of overwhelm is all too real.
There is more and more conflicting theories, research based articles and an endless supply of free advice from family, friends and even strangers. But with this advice comes confusion, despair and ultimately the feeling of not being good enough and guilt because you have lost your ability to make an informed decision that will work best for you and your family.
As I work with clients my main aim is for them to reconnect back with the confidence they had before their newborn came along. That person, who managed their own business, worked in the corporate world, made decisions on behalf of all their staff. Deep down that person is still there.
But because becoming new parents is a new beginning of another stage of your life and the manuals are simply not there. We struggle to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt that we are actually able to nurture and care for our babies the way we see works best for us.
So let have a look at which topics are readily talked about that we find gain the most traction.
To be fed is best
Many times you will hear the words “Breast is Best” and there is no denying that breast milk is an amazing source of nutrients needed for health and wellbeing.
Breastfeeding isn’t easy and it certainly doesn’t come naturally in most cases. It’s a learned skill for both mum and baby to master over time. For this skill to be a success it also has to come with lots of knowledge and support. This is often what is lacking in our hospital systems and our communities because there aren’t enough people around to help. What concerns me the most around the Breast is best statement is that when mums are either have mad a decision that breastfeeding isn’t right for them or they have made an decision to stop due to many stressful factors in continuing.
Stress and successful breastfeeding is very counter intuitive. Mums should not be made to continue through the pain and anguish because breastfeeding is the only way. For me a baby that is Fed is the best way. Whether that is via breast milk or formula. While on the subject of bottle-feeding another question, which is often asked for those who are exclusively breastfeeding is when they can introduce the bottle. My recommendation is to start as early as you can. It’s best not being in a situation when you have been invited to a function or an event at short notice and you need someone else to look after your babe. Be prepared I say and have all your ducks in a row so its easier to make that decision.
Too swaddle or not too swaddle.
Recommendation to swaddle has been around for years.
It is suggested it helps your baby from waking due to the startle reflex. While I agree on the most part there are some babies that just plainly don’t like it. If you are swaddling with muslin and you have a Houdini then I suggest changing to a natural fabric that has more ability to stretch. Muslins are not the best for swaddling as they allow no movement and unravel very quickly if you have a baby that moves around a lot. If a more stretchable material is still not giving you success then I would give up the swaddling altogether. Some babies just want to feel free and sleep with their hands in the air. As your baby develops better motor skills and more control of there extremities swaddling is usually out around 8 weeks of age.
Sleep or no sleep
Sleep is certainly one of the biggest conversation starters for many. Its also a hot topic many experts are quick to recommend with what is best for your baby.
Sleep is definitely an essential nutrient we all need.
“All” as in both baby and parents. Too often I hear that sleep deprivation is normal part of becoming new parents.
I disagree.
Sleep deprivation causes brain fog, mood changes, diet changes with either weight loss or weight gain and complete exhaustion among a few, which ultimatley leads to postnatal distress or depression.
Suggestions such as sleep when baby sleeps, co-sleeping in the same bed is not the best advice of all parents. As a mum myself I was never able to sleep when my babies slept because I always found chores to be done or sleeping in daylight wasn’t something I had mastered even while working shifts as a nurse. Its interesting because while sleep deprivation is frightening real and very dangerous. When you search for this topic around parenting. Suggestions that it is normal and how to cope rather than preventing it, is the advice.
Guidelines for safe sleeping
Safety guidelines are just that, guidelines. But with regular media attention, research articles, policies written by big organisations its no wonder that parents especially new ones are very confused and frustrated with conflicting advice. My concern with these sleep guidelines, is that we are placing babies in only one box. Babies can only sleep on their back, babies should only be swaddled, babies should either be in their parents room or co- sleep in the same bed, breast is best, the list goes on.
Babies are individuals, they react to different stimuli, may have other challenges like reflux, poor weight gain or a medical diagnoses.
Back sleeping is safer however not all babies sleep well on their back. When you have eliminated all other risk factors such as smoking, alcohol consumption, bed-sharing unsafely. You can rest assured that you are making an empowered and confident decision to help you and your baby get better sleep in another way.
Bed sharing or room sharing with your baby until at least 6 – 12 months of age is another guideline that is forcefully recommended. But there are other aspects that we need to take into consideration.
Babies are very noisy sleepers. During their sleep cycles they frequently wake, grunt a lot, suck on their hands or fingers and even let out a cry or two. When you’re a heavy sleeper or don’t mind the disruption during the night then there is no need for a change. Parents who are light sleepers, wake frequently and are often lying awake at night because their babies are keeping them awake may need to rethink their sleeping arrangements. Having babies sleep in their own room will allow you to only wake when they need to be fed or are awake for other reasons. Many mums are concerned they will not hear their babies cries. I believe it’s a mothers natural instinct to hear the needs of their baby. Babies who sleep in their room tend to sleep for longer periods than those who share with their parents.
Creating the balance
Oh what’s that you say. Well I have learned over many years and helping many clients find balance while parenting at the same time. Yep its possible but can be hard to achieve especially when a lot of advice is very baby orientated and the guilt factor is very real.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world.
Yet, looking after ourselves takes a back seat especially for mums. We feel guilty even thinking about ourselves let alone taking time out. But I have learned that its one on the most important decisions that you will have the ability to make.
The decision to go out for a coffee with friends, a regular exercise class, joining the gym or even seeking part time or going back to work full time shouldn’t have the guilt factor attached to it.
Think of what you used to love doing, what sport did you play, did you like going to the movies, having a girls night out. Write down the things that are important to you and find a way to achieve them.
To fully reconnect with your baby you have got to have the ability to disconnect and look after yourself. It is important not just for you but also for your partner and your baby.
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You become a mum in an instant. It’s exciting and a little scary at the same time. The first few days and weeks are about getting to know your baby. Lots of bonding, learning to feed, bathe and settle your baby among all other new beginnings.
But we can also start to feel alone and become so entrenched in this new journey that we start to not look after ourselves.
Here are some questions you might want to think about.
Are you giving yourself the love and respect you deserve?
Are you trusting your judgement?
Are you spending time doing what you love?
If you’re struggling with this, like many mums are, it’s time to take some action.
You may be feeling overwhelmed and emotional. You might not trust what your doing is right. You are feeling judged by other people’s standards and taking on advice that doesn’t fit your parenting style.
It’s hard to put ourselves first but it’s a necessity. It’s part of a mum’s survival mode.
Parenting doesn’t come with a university degree. Sometimes it feels like you’ve been thrown in the deep end without prior knowledge or experience.
So how can we expect to know everything, give up who we are and be the wonder woman we might expect to be.
We can’t and we shouldn’t.
The first few months can be particularly hard. It’s often not until our little ones are a little older that we start to think about ourselves. Thinking of going back to work, getting back to the gym or even starting a little business on the side. Even just simple things like going out for a coffee with friends can be daunting.
Remember the person before she became a mum?
Deep down, she is still there. It’s just with all the chaos and our sleep-deprived state of mind we have forgotten.
For me, I have been passionately interested in this topic for a very long time. To realize there was more to me than being an at-home mum has taken me years. It’s only been over the last 5-6 years that I have had the confidence to venture out into new territory and rediscover my calling.
I have always been in the business of helping new mums with babies right through to ages 5 while nursing in the areas of Obstetrics, Pediatrics and as a Royal New Zealand Plunket Nurse, before starting my own family.
Now 20+ years on, with more determination than ever, I see the importance of giving mums the knowledge and support to thrive. To listen to their intuition. To permit themselves to be number one.
The road to finding this truth even for myself hasn’t been an easy one.
I had to overcome many hurdles to reach a point in my life when I knew I needed the balance and needed something for me so I could give back to my family with more confidence and energy but also myself.
Today many mums need to head back to work much earlier than before. Our lives are much busier, more stressful, and the financial strain is all too real for the majority of families, which means going back to work is not just an option but also a necessity.
Often there is no family around to lean on, a lot of couples these days have moved countries and so are worlds apart from their support systems. Friends with babies are back at work or you are the very first to start a family.
To top that off with expectations to conform to a parenting style, or to feel pressured into feeding your baby a certain way. Where to sleep your baby, and the many do’s and don’ts of parenting while feeling sleep deprived will pretty much send any mum into a frenzy of emotions. Technology has even taken over common sense.
It’s no wonder we see more cases of postpartum distress than ever before. Mums are feeling more guilt, judging themselves too harshly about their parenting styles, and not looking within themselves for their knowledge and strength to make their own decisions.
There is no one way to parent but guidelines and recommendations suggest there is.
This is why so many are mums are feeling overwhelmed, second-guessing themselves and not trusting their mummy instincts.
So here is my advice to you.
You need to look after you first.
- You are just as important as your baby.
- Believe in your strengths.
- Believe in your decisions.
- Stand your ground.
- Feel empowered with the choices you have made.
- Stop feeling guilty and step up and make yourself count.
- Whatever life decisions you make, they’re yours and your family’s and for no one else to judge.
Nurturing, trusting and believing in yourself will ultimately make parenting much simpler and more enjoyable.
So here are some simple steps for you to follow.
- Ask for help
- Take time out (even if it’s just for a coffee)
- Trust and allow your partner to take care of your baby (so you can confidently go out)
- Delegate household chores
- Keep in touch with friends without children (it’s important to have a balance of baby and adult talk)
- Keep up with fitness or start fitness classes
- Dress up rather than dress down
- Take the advice that you will benefit from
- Love yourself
- Most of all believe
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Sleep regression (HICCUPS)
One of the main topics that is always talked about between parents is when your baby starts sleeping through the night.
The new found freedom of being able to enjoy a full night’s sleep without having to get out of bed, resettle or feed your little ones.
Then the dreaded time when all of a sudden out of the blue they have started waking up.
No apparent reason!
Nothing has really changed. Most call it sleep regression. However I call it sleep ‘hiccups’.
Regression has a negative feel to it. When we talk about sleep regression it sounds like a step backward. It’s not.
There are few reasons why sleep hiccups occur.
Development
3-4 months
Your baby is developing at a rapid rate.
For a start their eyesight becomes far clearer and their able to see much more than they ever have. So with the new-found eyesight comes curiosity and knowing there is far more to look at in their nursery and surrounding area. So once awake between their sleep cycles there is far more awareness and stimulation. Hence they may forget to self-settle themselves.
Also their motor skills are more advanced. Reaching out for toys, ability to grasp and pull towards them. Some maybe rolling or attempting to roll.
6-10 months
Sitting up, starting to crawl even pulling themselves up to stand and some may even have the ability to walk.
Verbal communication is more apparent.
So when we look at a baby who may have started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks, which had none of these developmental stages present. They were able to either stay asleep or self settle with no other influences.
Change of routine
One obvious one but sometimes not recognized is a very simple or minimal change in routine. Slightly later bedtime, an activity that has been introduced such as swimming or jumping beans. Even a change in your partner’s work hours or coming home later than usual can hinder their routine.
The need for sleep
Changes in the hours of sleep needed both at around 3 months and again at 6 months can be reason for waking. Juggling a change in their nap time might be needed to help them settle more at night.
So why is it a battle sometimes to get them back to sleep?
My believe is that we miss the window of opportunity to rectify the sleep issue in the first place.
Because we are so in tune with our babies needs and respond accordingly. When they wake after sleeping through, we automatically think that there is something wrong or they are unwell. This is when the first night we try and comfort them back to sleep it may not be successful, they may go into our bed to finish the rest of their sleep with you, or go into the lounge to watch TV or introduce a stimulus that may distract them.
This is fine for the first night, however we tend to replicate that same response on day two then day three and continue it because we feel guilty or we are just to tired to deal with it.
So when you know that there is no obvious reason for the sudden night waking.
The best ways to manage these changes are with a gentle and secure way.
It’s understandable that we respond the first night by giving them all we have.
So if the second night they wake we respond differently.
We want our babies to feel that their cot is the secure and safe place to sleep. Helping them to resettle in their room with little stimulation is the best. Calming pats and shushing, dim light and secure touch is all they will need for them to safely feel they can go back to sleep.
Again as they were young you may need to do this for a few nights.
Remember if you have given your baby an opportunity not to sleep in their cot for couple nights on the 3rd night there will be an expectation that this will happen again. The longer you continue this occurrence the harder it will be to allow you baby to feel secure to sleep in their own bed.
Sleep is a positive necessity for all children.
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